Just like the sea...

Rocks and Sea by Paul Gauguin 

This summer I was in Spain sitting on the beach, enjoying the warmth and the sun. That summer I met him properly for the first time. I’ve seen him many times before, but never realized how much we have in common. I’ve always seen him with my eyes, but this summer I saw him with my heart. I created a bond with him, and that bond will never disappear. That summer, and specifically on that day on that beach, I met the sea properly for the first time.

The waves were crashing against the shore, in a rhythmic motion, leaving a foamy white behind and going straight back to the source from where the came. They’d touch my feet sometimes, and I’d curl my toes in reaction to the cold water touching my skin.

In and out the waves went. I sat there for hours, in silence, and all I could hear was the sound of the crashing waves, so relaxing so soothing; a pattern that didn’t change: in and out and back again.

In that silence I heard another sound. The sound of my own breath, in and out my breath went, so relaxing so soothing; a pattern that didn’t change: in and out and back again.

I suddenly felt it, a bond with the sea. I felt like my breath was mirroring the motion of the waves, as if we were both doing the same thing; being alive. We were both there, and at that point I felt like the only difference between us was that we were different life forms; one of the same, but different forms.

I guess we tend to forget that about ourselves sometimes. We are a life form. Just like all that is around us. And many times we find ourselves defining who we are with what we own, what we’ve been through, the titles we carry, our religion, our nationality, and many things that are far from the truth of who or what we actually are.

This connection that I established with the sea this summer, is perhaps one of the most important in my life now. I find myself going back to it many times. When I am angry, I try to soothe myself by focusing on that inward and outward motion of the waves, I relive it when I focus on my breath in and out; and before I know it, I am there again, on that beach, relaxed and happy. When I feel powerless, I remember the power that the sea possesses, and I can then clearly see mine. This connection reminds me that I am part of the universe. I feel like I am linked to the sea, the sky, the trees, the animals, other humans, and life forms through the life we share. 

The sea illustrates lessons that no book can ever capture so eloquently. The sea teaches us to be alive, just as it is alive.  I love sitting on the beach, spending time with the sea, breathing together, it takes me out of my world and into a harmonious hymn. One that mutes all uproars, and noises.

The sea is a life form, its simple, powerful, relaxed, genuine, spontaneous, and alive. Underneath all that we try to hide ourselves with, we are a life form, we are simple, powerful, relaxed, genuine, spontaneous, and alive…

The artist of this painting, Paul Gauguin, was in search for utopia, and he believed it could be found in primitive forms. He abandoned his family and started searching for something simpler than the western society he was living in. He explored the ideas of connection with the natural world, liberation from cultural norms, and nurturing creativity. Whether he found utopia or not, is debatable, but I I know I get a glimpse of mine when I see this painting. 

Gauguin's painting 'Rocks and Sea' whispers, it whispers: we are all just like the sea.

Let go, let go when its time to do so ...

Refreshing Haven - Mikki Senkarik

"He doesn't treat me right." She said
"It's because you don't treat yourself right." I said

"He doesn't love me enough." She said
"Its because you don't love yourself enough." I said

"I don't understand." She said
"You will understand." I said

She has been standing in front of a locked door for way too long. Knocking but never getting an answer. She knocked one time, two times, a hundred times, a million, a trillion and with every knock she had hoped that this door would open this time around.

I recently read an article that started with Einstein's definition of insanity; he believed that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

So according to Einstein, she was insane. She knocked and knocked and just couldn't stop. It took all of her energy until she broke down. I found her lying on the floor outside that door. So I went up to her.

"What are you doing?" I said
"I'm waiting for someone to open the door." She said.

"But haven't you knocked enough, isn't it time you let it go? Look at what you have done to yourself, all this time you've wasted, this energy, you haven't taken good care of yourself. You haven't loved yourself enough." I said.

She got up, left the door behind and started to knock on the ones around it. Then she found a red one, that was wide open, right there waiting for her.

The next time I saw her, she was beautifully happy. In her 'Refreshing Haven'.
"I didn't even have to knock!" She said.
"Then you must be in the right place." I said.
"I understand now." She said.

She understands now. That some things in this life are for you, and some things aren't. You can't fight the balance of nature. She understands now, that once she loves herself, and takes care of herself, she'll land in the perfect place.

Once she made the decision to get up and leave that door behind. She started to feel better immediately. In retrospect, she realized that it wasn't the door she was meant to be knocking on.

I met her again, and this time she was  on the other side of  a red door. She had found her own personal haven, and I had found mine. Her insanity had turned into fulfillment, satisfaction, happiness, and so had mine.

"He treats me right." She said
"It's because you've treated yourself right." I said.

"He loves me." She said.
"Its because you have loved yourself the way you should." I said.

"I understand now. You walk away, when knocking starts to damage you. You walk away because you care enough about your soul. And because if whoever is behind the door isn't letting you in after all that knocking, then they definitely won't be worth waiting on a doorstep for." She said.

Whatever you encounter, give it your all. But know  that not every attempt will be a successful one, and have the strength to accept this fact. Then love yourself enough to let go, and move on when it is time to do so. Failure, is not an unsuccessful attempt, but rather the inability to acknowledge one, brush off the dust, and move on.

'Refreshing Haven' whispers, let go, let go when it's time to do so

A letter from my future self...

Two Heads of Nancy By Barbara Wells Sarudy

Dear Jude,

Happy Birthday. Today you turn 19. Still a young lady growing into all that you will become; with more of your life ahead than behind you.

In 40 or so years, you will be me.  Your body will be weak, your voice shaky, and your face covered with wrinkles, lots and lots of wrinkles. Make sure you don't try to fight this, don't go and be a customer of todays ever growing 'make me look younger' market; botox, surgery, and endless creams. Grow old with grace, and keep those beautiful lines on your face; each telling a story, each carrying an abundance of memories.

I want you to keep my words with you at all times. As you get older, remember to stay young at heart. Your heart is the most powerful tool you own. Fill it with love, and never let anger, hatred, jealousy, regret, or vengeance have room in it. EVER! Give love even when its not being given to you; for you give from what you are, whats inside of you,  not from what you receive.

When you're me, you will realize that there were people in your life who loved you more than anyone else, these are your family; your blood related family, and those whose souls have bonded with yours creating beautiful, awe inspiring friendships. Make sure they know how grateful you are and how much you love them. Spend as much time as you can with them, make them happy, make them proud.

Follow your passion. you are here for a reason and you will find happiness when you do what you were sent here to do. No matter what people will tell you, listen to your heart because unlike people, it knows you from the inside, from the core. When you do what you love, you will find joy, and peace of mind, and you will feel complete; these are things all the money in the world can't buy.

Don't search for the love of your life; it'll come to you once you do what you love. You'll cross paths with someone compassionate with a beautiful soul. And just like you, he will also be doing what he loves. You'll find each other. You'll deserve each other.

Don't ever underestimate what you're worth. Be very aware of how valuable and precious you are, and share your life only with a person who is equally aware of that.

Don't wait for someone to come along and complete you. Be whole; because you were born whole. let your own feet be your support, keep them firm, keep them steady on the ground. But let your soul wander around, explore, run wild, live everywhere, and see everything. Let yourself go down unfamiliar paths, even rocky, uneasy ones; because with your feet firmly on the ground you'll find your way back every time you get lost.

Make sure you leave a legacy for those who will come after you; touch the lives of those around you. Let the beauty of your fragrance linger on all those whom you encounter.

 Train your eyes to see only the beauty in everything, always look ahead and most importantly don't forget to look within. You create your own destiny, you have tremendous power within you and you activate it once you realize its existence.

You will go places, and you will do great things and then one day, and before you know it, you will be me.

When you're me, it is okay to look back, at the legendary story; called  your life. You will be proud, you will be happy and you will be satisfied. Knowing that you have lived it in the best way possible.

'Two Heads of Nancy' whispers a letter from my future self.

Happiness comes from within

Velvet Hand - Leif Podhajsky

Today is the first day of December. The most beautiful month of the year. You can just feel the festive spirit in the air. The Christmas decorations, people coming together, the lights, the music. It's wonderful. 

As the last day of December approaches, we get ready to celebrate. And before we know it, there it is; New Year's Eve. It's like a universal birthday, a fresh start for the world. There are parades in the streets, music, and families and friends celebrating everywhere. But when the night ends, no one goes home alone; everyone goes home with resolutions. Millions  of resolutions accompanying people from all over the world. And every resolution screams out a silent hope; that 'this year I will be happier.'

We all know how the story goes from there; 365 days later we realize we've only accomplished a quarter of these resolutions. But we tell ourselves its fine, the cycle goes on, and then there we are again, another New Year's Eve, another set of resolutions, and the lingering hope that again 'this year I will be happier.'

Although this hope transforms into a reality for many, it lingers much longer for a whole lot of others. Why? Because they look back at the year; a lost job, a bad break up, a divorce, losing someone close, and days just not turning out the way they were meant to. And the voice that says "Try again next year!"

From the 18 New Years, I have lived, the 8 or so that I remember, I learnt that being happy doesn't depend on how the year goes. Some of the happiest people I know have been through the toughest and most unpleasant of situations. But they made a choice, to accept whatever comes their way with grace. They made a choice to be happy. 

Being happy is not an outcome or a result. It's an attitude, you choose to face your life with. I once read that a situation never has any power over you, its the thoughts that you generate about that situation that have this power. Two people can pass through the same event, but it is the way they approach it, the way they choose to interpret it that will determine the effect of that event on them. 

I have learnt that things won't always go the way we want them to. Sometimes they will, and thats great, and worthy of appreciation. But other times they won't. Since we've been led to believe that being happy is a result of some utopian state, where we have all we want, in perfect blissful place, every year, when we look for happiness we search for something we do not understand. And its no surprise that we end up empty handed. 

In this artwork there are two hands. The outer hand, is the one doing the physical work. It's the hand that will end up with the dirt, the bruises, the scars. But then there's the inner hand untouched, and firm. Its the inner hand, that supports the outer one and gives it strength and determines the way it works. 

In this artwork there are two hands. The outer hand, is you living 365 days over and over. The inner hand is you making a choice to be happy, over and over, no matter what.

Your story, is your story. And in every story there is the good and the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant, the smiles and the tears, the heartache and the solace, the easy and the hard. In every story there is also a hero, choosing to be happy, even when that choice might seem impossible.

'Velvet Hand' whispers, happiness comes from within. 

Look Beyond What Your Eyes Can See

Self Portrait with Bandaged Ear by Vincent Van Gogh

This is Van Gogh, often known as the “tortured artist.” Its easy to notice the sense of frustration and melancholy in his work. Van Gogh’s art is a doorway to his heart. He led a tragic life, and eventually checked himself into a mental asylum. He is a leading figure of expressionism, the exploration of what is inside the mind and soul, instead of the depiction of what is apparent and obvious. Van Gogh’s death was self-inflicted at the age of 37. His art, however, lives till this very day.

Yesterday, I was in Starbucks studying. A man came and sat on the table next to me. He smiled; I smiled back. He asked me for a pen, I couldn't understand at first because of the way he spoke -  I couldn't tell what it was - he had a disability that made it difficult for him to talk and I could notice when he was standing that he had difficulty walking as well.

I gave him a pen. He took out a notebook and started writing down something. I was so curious to know what he was writing. I tried to get a peek, but he caught my eye and asked me "Are you studying hard?" we laughed and I said yes I have exams soon. He asked what I was working on, and out of curiosity I asked him the same question. His speaking was unclear yet understandable; "I have been trying to find a job for a really long time, but no one ever takes me seriously because of my disability. See, I have great ideas I just can't put them through, I have a masters degree from Dundee University. I am writing down some business idea for a product I am hoping to design, I just hope they'll take me seriously." He showed me his ideas and they were really good ones. Then he added, "People just don't see beyond my disability." I smiled and told him that’s a shame because his ideas are great, and went back to studying.

A while later the woman sitting on the table next, wanted to go to the toilet so as she was leaving she asked me to watch her stuff until she was back. He looked at me and said "Why didn't she ask me?" We had a friendly chat afterwards and he had to go home to finish off his business ideas because he was really excited about his meeting. I wished him luck, and said goodbye. But all day, I kept thinking about him.

What a Shame! That humans that are supposed to be the most intelligent beings, don't act accordingly a lot of the time. When many people see that man, they see a disabled man. That's it. They see nothing other than his physical orientation. They don't see the life that he is. Many will  fail to recognize the common humanity they share with him. They instantly classify him as different. And it's easy to make the mistake of thinking that what is different to what we are used to, is not “normal”, and therefore should be rejected. 

This incident reminded me of a book that's very dear to my heart; 'Tuesdays With Morrie' by Mitch Albom. Morrie is Albom’s old professor who is facing his death gracefully and with acceptance. As his body grows weaker, Morrie continues to feel alive; he says: “Giving to other people makes me feel alive. Not my car or my house. Not what I look like in the mirror. When I give my time, when I can make someone smile after they were feeling sad.”

The man I met yesterday reminded of Morrie. A weak body, but a strong, vibrant soul.  We are a species that is fascinated by illusions; we sit in awe in front of magicians, and Hollywood movies although we know that we are seeing is not real, we choose to believe it. The man's disability is an illusion, concealing what's inside; a life, a heart, a mind and a soul, just like mine, just like yours.

The body is but a vessel that holds life within it. It is a grave mistake to forget our shared humanity, to think of someone as different, not normal, thus not worthy of a chance. There’s a whole new dimension to the person when you look within. When you go past what is on the surface and dig deeper,you won't just understand others, but  you’ll also find yourself in others. You'll find a link that connects all humans, a reminder of our equality.

Van Gogh only became famous after his death. During his life, he was lonely in the mental asylum, and people probably saw nothing in him other than his mental illness. Now we see what was beyond; a beautiful and inspiring collection of artworks created by a great man, with a creative mind.

Van Gogh’s self-portrait whispers, look beyond what your eyes can see. 

Something I can only feel

Autumn Rhythm by Jackson Pollock

There's a place I’ve been going to quite a lot lately. I did not like that place. When I am in that place, I seem to lose all sense of direction; I'm just there and confused. In that place nothing makes sense, and when I’m there I lose all my vocabulary, and I fail to label any of my feelings. You’re probably wondering what that place is. That place is called ‘in between’.

I used to feel that the place was blurry, I just wanted to get out of it; either back to where I was or forward to where I wanted to be. I felt stuck, unable to move back, or move on. I felt that way because of ‘the curse of uncertainty’. When you’re in between you’re cursed with the prohibition of using labels, and one fails to use them no matter how hard he or she tried. In fact the more you try the more confusion you’ll end up with. You cannot label or make sense of anything when you’re in between. That is very problematic as it extremely contradicts our humanistic instinct of constantly producing thoughts, having opinions, making sense of whatever we experience, and trying to find meaning and purpose in whatever we encounter. In the real world, whatever we feel we put into words; we recognize the feelings, sad, happy, excited, worried, or whatever it may be. But when you’re in between, you don’t recognize anything. It puts you out of your comfort zone. As we usually prefer what is familiar; in between, might not be so appealing at first. Nothing there makes sense, everything just is. 

Just like the Pollock painting; tangled, unclear, mushy, vague, so meaningless but so meaningful at the same time, I hated being in between. But now I am starting to realize that what I thought was ‘the curse of uncertainty’ is actually a blessing, a gift of hope.

I started noticing that my feelings were never as chaotically clear to me, and that what I was rejecting was not the confusion surrounding my emotions, but the emotion itself. I allowed myself to feel the confusion because I was scared of feeling what was underneath it because it was unfamiliar and new. I couldn’t identify it so I automatically tried to get rid of it. No matter how hard I tried to rid myself of it it kept coming back to me. And every night I found myself in that unfamiliar place again wondering what this is and why I am there. Every night I also noticed a lingering warmth, wrapped inside the uncertainty and the confusion. I decided to unwrap it, take a leap of faith and open it up, and explore it.

Once I did that, once I allowed myself to feel without thinking. I didn't feel the need to understand it. It was so much bigger than something I can put into words. Once I accepted it, the warmth spread throughout every part of me. Embracing me as strongly as the confusion had once embraced it.

That shadowy dark place, the in between, soon became the place I love the most. The uncertainty became my comfort zone. In it I saw potential, possibilities, and endless array of hope and prosperity. A gush of pure emotion that needed no words to make sense, and as a matter of fact did not need to make sense at all; for it was perfect as it is.  

We will all be there at one point in our lives, in between a job application and hearing back, in between pregnancy and being a parent, in between breaking up and moving on, in between falling in love and whatever comes next, in between any two critical points in our lives. Many can miss the miraculous fleeting joy of that bridge we will all walk through, probably many, many times. But once you stop, and realize you are in the land of in between, you allow yourself to feel, to love, to heal in ways you would have never thought possible. 

 In that place, and only in that place, do you get to give your mind a break, and let your heart feel. And what the heart feels is very undermined when put into words. If you allow yourself to feel when you are there, your heart will explode with life, replenishing all that you are, giving you a breath of fresh life, feeding your soul with what your mind will never be able to. Making you alive all over again.

Jackson Pollock’s paintings are a mystery to many. He described his style of drip painting by saying “I want to express my feelings not illustrate them.” He usually paints on large canvases on the floor, saying that this way he would be as close as possible to the painting, and he would lose himself in it. Who knows, maybe that was his own personal in between, the moment between the blank canvas and the one covered with emotion.

Autumn rhythm whispers something I can’t label, something I can only feel.

I love him, I really love him

Woman before the sunrise by Friedrich

I love him, I really love him .

He's my first love, and I probably will never love another as much as I love him.

He's the love of my life; unfortunately we are apart now, living in different cities, a million miles apart, and I miss him so dearly, everyday.

He changed my life, in fact, thats an understatement. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. He showed me how to live, he loved me, he showed me how to love.

He gave his all, he gave me everything. He sacrificed a lot for me, and he was always selfless, always putting me first, always caring, and always there.

He makes me laugh, whenever I am with him, I am happy. He usually tells the same jokes a million times over, but somehow always manages to make me laugh my heart out.

I love to see him happy, and it pains me to see him hurt. He is a great man, he's got a big heart; full of compassion, and generosity. He never holds back, and he loves helping those who need it. He taught me how to be happy, how to never take life too seriously, how to be easy going, how to laugh more, how to never hold back, always be there for others, always give back to the world, and how to have the drive to go after whatever I wanted in life.

This summer, when I had to leave him, I cried. I cried because I knew how much I was going to miss him, and I was right. I miss him, every second of  every day. I fear that I haven't been as good to him as he is to me, that I haven't given him enough, that I haven't showed him how much I love him. But I realized it doesn't matter because he loves me no matter what. He loves me unconditionally, he loves me simply because he does. There is nothing greater than this pure love we share.

Now I am off, finding my own life, chasing my own dreams. And I face whatever comes my way with certainty because of him, because of the strength he gave me, and continues to give me. He is my support when I am weak, and I am a better person because I never want to let him down. I always want to see that shimmer in his eyes, that glow in his face, and hug him and hold him close and feel the warmth of that golden heart he has.

 I don't understand how he does it, how he finds it in him to love so selflessly, to love me so much that he thinks of me a million times of me before he thinks of himself. That he forgives my mistakes, and never holds them against me. He accepts me as I am. And I love him as he is, tremendously and endlessly. He makes the cold days warmer, the sad days joyful, in weak moments he makes me stronger, in moments of hesitation he makes me certain. He's with me in every step I take, every decision, every second I live.

In this painting, I see me, and I see him. I am the girl, and he is my world. He is my mountain, my sunshine, my home. I turn my back and face the world ahead of me knowing that there's a man behind me, always there, a place of comfort, and an open door to go to whenever. I stand tall because he is mine, and forever will be.

For 18 years, 6,570 days, 157680 hours, 3784320 minutes, a trillion heart beats, I have loved him, and with every heart beat my love for him grows. I often forget how lucky I am to have him, but I would never take him for granted. He loves me infinitely and I won't live a day without thinking of him, loving him, and being thankful for him.

 His strength made me a tough woman. and for that I shall be forever grateful.

18 years ago, he held me in his arms, while i wrapped my tiny fingers around his. 18 years ago, he made a decision to love me forever. On that day, in my heart, I also made the same decision. Although I was one day old, and did not understand anything around me, I made the decision to love Yasin forever. Because it doesn't require age, sense, or wisdom to feel a fathers love.

'Woman before the rising sun' whispers, it whispers: I love you, I really love you dad.